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08 October 2011

let's be clear

For awhile now, I have been very distant to what I supposed to feel. The numbness instilled I hope would disappear. I am scared of everything and I think it hinders me to the possibilities I could become, possibilities I may like or not. All through out I've been told what's the world going to be like, that it's a jungle out there and I have to be very careful. Careful I was, and so I was left behind.  Others may barefaced enjoyed things surely I would not. Bravely, I engaged myself in things that they say I should do but ended up not being happy. Carelessness was the thing lacking, the thing I wish I have. I shouted for help, for I feel like I was in prison of my own body, but no one really cared. No one in this big damn world heard me. The definition of the relationships between me and my so called friends put to test and, unfortunately, they failed, or maybe I was the one who failed in picking my real friends. Blaming was not needed for nature took its course on permitting a reality check for me.

Sometimes the things we pretend just so to fit it in on this imperfectly world becomes our reality. Matters, I always been cautious about to not sink in to me, penetrated my habits and emerged to be my cycle. Being not oneself to thy self is such a big fat lie. Separation can not be happening since our rationality makes us decide what should and should not be done, and we just chose the best thing to decide on, to always go for we think what's right. With this, when mistakes happen and the cruise for undeniably hurtful truth bends in, we are being save from our fantasize reality that we're being drowned from. We all wear masks; everyone, everyday, and sometimes we wear them so much, we forget who we really are.

But right now, I think I can proudly say that I'm alright. I know I can surpass whatever obstacle I will yet, be going through, and I believe that after tears and pain, comes joy and happiness and the only thing I need at the moment is for me to stay happy and surround myself with optimism. I've learned to accept the fact that things can't always go just as I planned it. If something isn't meant for me, it just means that I am capable of gaining something more. I don't need to be miserable all my life just because everything has changed.
"I don't understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep all night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you'd do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn't live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How can people can erase you from their lives just because it's easier than working things out."
For whatever I feel right now, I may be detached from everything else or linked, I would always try make my own decisions factored by nobody. I asked myself why I am not on a journey with a blissful ending? the answer to that isn't even that there are better things planned out for me. Its-- I just need to wait patiently for the perfect time. Everything will soon fall into place. And then I might be happy.

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